Oh, The Places You'll Go

Safe, But Somehow Sorry

Notes: Part of the My Two Gay Dads 'verse. Post-series. No spoilers. Beta by phoebesmum.


"Oh, nononononononono!" came the panicked voice from Charlie's room. Dan was on his feet and through the door in a flash.

"What?! What?!" he demanded at Casey's legs which were the only visible portion of him, the rest of his long body swallowed by the murky darkness under Charlie's bed. There was no reply, just frantic scrabbling and various noises of disgust.

"Casey McCall, get out from under that damn bed and tell me what's going on before I leap to startlingly inappropriate and overly dramatic conclusions."

Shuffling backwards, Casey extricated himself, muffled yelps and curses reaching Dan's ears. Eventually he sat up, his face flushed and hair severely mussed, dust bunnies clinging to his shirt and some unidentified brown substance on the fingers of one hand. Dan couldn't help but laugh.

"Yeah, yuk it up, Rydell," said Casey sardonically. "I wouldn't have put my hand in that ... that ... life-form under there if you hadn't been behaving like a girly girl and worrying over nothing."

"I merely responded to your distress beacon, sugarplum," said Dan, returning the mocking tone. "I'm finely attuned, you know." He knelt in front of Casey and began plucking bits of dust from him. "What the hell were you doing entering the Black Hole of Doom anyway? Didn't we have this discussion? What happens under Charlie's bed stays under Charlie's bed: life-forms, dust, porn and all." He pulled a tissue from his jeans' pocket and gave it to Casey who wiped at the sticky brown stuff vigorously and with limited success.

"I found these," said Casey, reaching behind him then dropping a strip of three square foil wrappers into Dan's hand.

"Ooooooooo-kay," said Dan, surprised to find himself torn between pride at Charlie being responsible and horror that his little boy might be having sex. What did it matter that Charlie was fifteen, the same age as Dan when he lost his virginity? Dan had no more than a split second to wonder whether the hypocrisy card came free with parenthood before the next question crowded out the thought.

"You found them under his bed? Were you looking for trouble?"

"No, no, no. Nothing like that. I was looking for my Mont Blanc — you know how he always borrows it without asking, I don't know what he even wants it for, he's always on the computer — and I opened the box on his dresser," Dan followed Casey's vague gesture to see the familiar black lacquered box open, with contents askew, "and there they were. There they were. Oh my god, Charlie has condoms. What are we going to do?"

Dan stood, pulling Casey with him. He pushed him in front of him towards their room.

"First," he said, opening the bedroom door, "bad adolescent poetry always looks better in ink, just be grateful you didn't find any of that under the bed." He was in the bathroom now, running the water and handing Casey the soap.

"Second, he will kill you dead if he finds out you've been going through his things -" Dan held his hand up at Casey's attempted protest. "- justified or not. Dead. Dead as an extremely dead thing."

"A dodo?"

"They are generally reputed to be about as dead as it is possible to be, yes." He stood out of the way to allow Casey to dry his hands.

"Third -" He headed back into the bedroom and collapsed on the bed. "I have absolutely no idea what to do." He looked up at Casey, eyes wide. "Oh my god, Charlie has condoms." There was something nagging at Dan, finding it hard to get his attention what with the This Should Be No Big Deal vs. My Baby, Oh My Baby factor. What was that? The fog cleared a little.

"And the under the bed part was?"

Casey plomped down next to Dan, throwing himself backwards and flinging an arm across his eyes.

"I thought maybe I should check to see if any had been ... That is, if there were any ... I thought that if those were in the box, then under the bed there might be ..." Casey seemed constitutionally incapable of finishing a thought, so Dan finished it for him.

"You thought there might be empty wrappers under there. Or — oh, god, no, Black Hole of Doom — used ones?" Dan shuddered at the thought of what Casey could have put his hand into.

"There wasn't anything. Does that mean he's not doing it?"

"It means he's not doing it at home. That, or he's been replaced by a doppelganger who not only has sex but knows how to tidy up afterwards."

"Does that mean he's doing it somewhere else?"

"I don't know!" Dan flopped down beside Casey, twisting onto his side. "Maybe he's doing it in Lisa's house."

Casey pulled his arm away from his face and looked at Dan, his expression vacillating between horrified and smugly pleased.

"Perhaps he's doing it with Jennifer," Dan added.

Horrified won.

"She's thirteen!"

Dan grinned.

"They grow up faster these days."

"Lisa would castrate him. And then she'd find a way to blame us and castrate us too."

"Ouch. I like my testicles exactly where they are and no heckling from the floor please. Fine, so he's not sleeping with the world's most perfect step-daughter. Who is he sleeping with then?"

"No one!" Casey smacked at Dan's chest. "He's not sleeping with no one. Anyone."

"Right," agreed Dan with a nod, capturing Casey's flailing hand and tangling their fingers. "He isn't having sex, he has the condoms just in case as he is a mature and responsible young man who listened to me when I did the whole birds and bees thing. And the birds and the birds." He brought Casey's hand to his mouth and gently sucked one finger. "And the bees and the bees."

"Except, what if he's having sex?" said Casey with a worried frown which was not the reaction Dan had hoped for. He nipped at Casey's fingertip.

"Then you should trust that he's ready for the emotional and physical implications and that he knows what he's doing."

The two men looked at each other for a second and then burst out laughing.

"Because that was just like you at fifteen, right?"

"Absolutely, my friend. Losing my virginity had nothing to do with rampant hormones and mood-stimulating narcotics. Nothing at all."

"You think he's getting high and having sex?" Casey's hand tightened around Dan's.

"As high as your voice is getting right now? Unlikely. Come on, Casey, you need to chill out. Look, ask him. Say 'Charlie, are you having sex?'"

"You ask him."

"No, you ask him."

"You."

"You."

"What are we? Five?" Dan sat up. "Okay," he said. "Plan of attack."

"Plan. Good. I like a plan."

"We put the condoms back and never speak of this again. We then buy a huge bolt and padlock and lock Charlie in his room until he's twenty-one or until I get a grip — which, let's face it, I'm gonna do quicker than you — and I talk us down from the ledge."

"I can live with that plan."

"You want to hear the second part?"

"Uhuh."

"Having solved the problem of Charlie's underage shenanigans we come back here and get stuck in to shenanigans of our own."

"Shenanigans?"

"A whole cornucopia of shenanigans."

"That's the best part of the plan."

"I thought so too."

Casey grabbed Dan's wrist and pulled it, causing Dan to topple backwards. With one swift move Casey's body covered Dan's and his hand cupped Dan's cheek as he came in for a kiss. Dan smelled the faint scent of apple soap. He returned the kiss with enthusiasm, one hand snaking under Casey's shirt, stroking the warm skin. Casey was always so warm, thought Dan as he pulled them closer together, forgetting everything and then ... He rolled them over so he was on top, pushing himself up on his arms.

"To everything there is a season and a time, blah blah blah," he said to Casey's slightly glazed expression. "Second part of the plan second," he clarified, "First part first. No shenanigans yet."

Casey was about to complain but was prevented by the heavy thud of the front door being closed and the clumping of familiar feet.

"Dad? Dan? 'M home!"

Dan and Casey stared at each other, frozen.

They heard Charlie clump towards his room. Heard the footsteps stop, a bag thump to the ground, then faster footsteps returning. With a sinking feeling, Dan recalled the box they had neglected to close. And then the door to the bedroom swung open.

"Who's been going through my stuff?!" Charlie yelled. "It's not like I come in here and ... Oh."

He stopped, staring not at the two men on the bed but at the strip of condoms that lay next to them on the comforter. His neck flushed red.

"Charlie, I can explain," Casey started to say. Charlie started to smile.

"God! Seriously, can you not just wait to go to a drugstore? I mean, you're old, it's not like you couldn't wait. But yeah, whatever. Just as long as you replace them, 'k? You know where they go. Jeez, I'd say get a room, but, you know, here you are. In yours." He turned on his heel and left, clumping away. To the kitchen and his eternal quest for the perfect snack if the sounds of banging cupboards were anything to go by.

Dan knelt up, straddling Casey's thighs.

"Did we just get served?" asked Casey.

"I believe we did."

"I am never having sex in this house again."

"How about in Lisa's house?"

"Don't start," said Casey and proved himself a liar.


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