Oh, The Places You'll Go

Learning By Doing: The DiNozzo Way

Notes: No spoilers. Written for villainny, just because.

Tony slides into the bedroom on socked feet. He brakes against the bed, falling headlong onto it with a soft whoomph and a crinkle of paper. Tim thinks about not asking, but he figures he's not getting any sleep until Tony's got whatever he's grinning about out of his system, so he shifts onto his side and asks,

"Where've you been? I thought you were just grabbing some water. You were gone forever."

"I was. I did. And less than an hour does not constitute forever, don't exaggerate. I've told you, like, a million times. But then I saw this," says Tony, waving the legal pad he's clutching in Tim's face. Tim bats it away. "And I had to finish the job."

"What job?"

"The job," Tony leers.

Tim frowns. "Didn't we already do that? I mean, with the...and the..."

"God, McPrudish, you can't even say the words, can you? Luckily, I am a conscientious agent who knows how to wrap up a case, so, look," he taps the top sheet of paper, covered with blue scrawl. "I did it."

Even upside down, Tim has no problem reading the underlined heading. "AAR? Tony, you did not write an after action report on our...on our...on our sex?"

"Oh, but I did. Want me to read it to you?"


"Too bad," says Tony, scrambling up and settling into a cross-legged position. Tim's used to him by now, so the resultant waves across the mattress that bounce him up and down only make him roll his eyes instead of making him queasy.

"After action report," reads Tony in a slow, sonorous voice.

"Do you want me awake for this?" snaps Tim.

"Okay, speeding up!"

Executive Summary reads Tony.

We had sex. I came. Tim came. Fun was had.

"It's a weak start, I know," confides Tony. "But it gets better. You'll see."

Chapter One

Exercise Overview

Exercise Name: Let's get laid!

Duration: My stamina is legendary, and as such does not need to be recorded.

Tim snorts and ducks out of the way as Tony attempts to whack him on the head with the pad.

"Whatever, Timothy. I choose to ignore your obvious jealousy. Now shut up and listen."

Tim grins and flicks Tony's knee. Tony narrows his eyes, lips twitching, and clears his throat.

Exercise Date: today, the whatever of when.

Sponsor: I was going to go with Jim Beam, but I thought Trojan probably edged them out.

Type of Exercise: Sex. Duh!

Funding Source: The good ol' government of the US of A. Thanks for the paychecks, guys.

Program: No porn today.

"Wait a minute, is that a sad face?" asks Tim, jabbing at the paper. "You drew a sad face because there was no porn?"

"Porn is fun."

"So's Call of Duty, but it doesn't make me sad!face when I don't get to up my kills when I'm..." The words are on the tip of his tongue, but he can't force them out. It's not that he's embarrassed or anything, it's just...he's never really talked about this stuff before. He's just done it. Mostly in the dark and often with some clothes left on. The not talking about it is one of the reasons he's glad things finished with Abby when they did. It was going the way of talking. He could smell it.

"Go, on, Timmy, say it. When you're fucking me."

Something snaps inside Tim. "When I'm fucking you, okay? I do not need video games when I'm fucking you." Wow. That was easier than he'd thought.

"I don't need porn," says Tony, affronted. "I just like it.

"I just like you," says Tim and where that comes from he doesn't know. He only half-wishes it would crawl back where it did come from, so that's progress, he guesses.

"You're very sweet," says Tony in his best annoying voice, but his toe half-pokes, half-strokes Tim's chest and Tim knows he means it.

Focus: Response, Recovery, Prevention and Other. Busy, aren't we?

Classification: By Invitation Only

Scenario: Biological release or threat. Okay, not so much threat, but it's in the regs so I'm adding it. Biological release, HELL yeah.

Location: Couch, wall, bed.

Tony curls a grin at Tim, then. It sets off sparks in Tim's belly, his body reminding him just why he feels so relaxed and loose.

Participating Organizations: The Let's Get Laid Club

Participants: Me, Agent McGee (no Jethro, you are not coming out of the kitchen.)

Number of participants: Two. Jeez, Jethro, didn't you listen before?

Tim laughs and winces at the same time. Tony's mind goes places that mostly Tim likes to follow. Sometimes, though...yeah, not so much.

Exercise Overview: Some making out, a little oral, some anal. The task was designed to accomplish orgasm. Go task!

Exercise evaluation: I think we can conclude that it was a success. I am a god amongst men. And Tim ain't so bad either.

"Wow, thanks, Tony," says Tim. "Are we done now? Because, you know, sleep."

"Now, now. You know that's only the first chapter," says Tony, flicking the top sheet of paper over with ostentations flare. "You'd better be sitting comfortably, this could take some time."

Tim raises himself onto an elbow and peers at the paper before Tony can snatch it away.

"It's half-empty, Tony," he says. "I think my 8 hours is safe."

"That's what I want you to think. Never heard of invisible ink?"

"I'm...not even touching that," says Tim, flopping back down.

Chapter Two says Tony. "Shut up." Chapter Two

Exercise Goals and Objectives

Didn't we cover this in Chapter One? What is this? No, seriously. Okay, if you're going to be picky, the goals and objectives of this exercise are to make sure both me and McGee go to bed happy, if you know what I'm saying and I think you do.

"Now who's not saying the words?"

"Aren't you still under the 'shut up' mandate? I'm fairly sure I didn't un-shut you up."

Tim considers slapping him, but the effort required is far beyond the potential reward. He lets it lie.

Chapter Three

Exercise Events Synopsis

Now that's what I'm talking, writing, talking about. Oh yeah.

Action the first: So, yeah, the response objective first. Tim's all being hot and sexy with the unbuttoned thing. You know the one. So I kiss him because who wouldn't? Okay, actually, lots of people because I would end them, but my point stands. Tim's all hot and sexy and stuff so we made out.

"Much as I'm, ah, thrilled by the, you know, ending people and the whole hot and sexy thing, did you actually write that all down?"

"Oh, Doubting Timmas," says Tony, and flips the pad over, giving Tim enough of a chance to skim the first few lines before he turns it back. There's crossing out and words shoved into gaps too small, but, yeah, looks like Tony's reading word for word. Tim falls in love a little bit more right then. He can actually feel it; the drop further down into the hole marked 'Tony's'. He's never climbing out. He's pretty sure there's a connecting door at the bottom to Tony's hole marked 'Tim's', so it'll probably work out just fine.

Action the second: Tim, undone by the sheer awesome that is me-

(Okay, so maybe Tim might revise his opinion.)

dropped to his knees in front of me and after some, frankly inept fumbling at my pants

"Yes, yes," says Tony, interrupting himself, holding up a hand so Tim doesn't get a chance to double the interruption. "I am aware it was your insatiable desire for the hotness that is me-" he flaps the raised hand towards himself, narrowly avoiding hitting himself in the eye. Tim feels his lips twitch despite his best attempts to look irritated.

"-that caused your inability to get a simple button fly undone, but facts are facts, my little friend, and you...well, you failed."

after some, frankly inept fumbling at my pants he gave way to the master. I popped open my fly and then Agent McGee totally redeemed himself by giving me a blowjob that would've taken out my knees if I'd been standing, and is the result of some pretty ugly looking scratches on the couch cushions, not gonna lie. Objective 'other' achieved. A snap X-ray would've shown exactly no bones in my body. Not a one.

Action the third: Tim did that hot thing where he comes off my dick all big-eyed and shiny-lipped and wiping his mouth with his hand and that meant more making out. Lots of it. On the couch, up against the wall. On the floor in the bedroom because the bed was too far.

Tim's tongue flicks out and licks his lower lip almost of its own accord, and he scrubs at his forehead, prickling and vaguely sweat damp. He had definitely turned the thermostat down since the ambient temperature had decided to shoot up fifteen degrees in the last two days. Maybe Tony had sneaked it back up; he'd always liked it warm.

Action the fourth: Concurrent with Action the third, clothes were removed. All of them. It's possible I may have to send out a search party for my socks tomorrow because I don't remember what happened to those suckers. Anyway. Naked. We were very naked.

Action the fifth: Yeah, at this point I'm kind of hazy. There was naked wrestling of the you-win-if-you-lose type and I wound up on the bed, face down with a finger up my ass. Fairly sure that's not in the normal wrestling rules. Maybe the old ones. With the Greeks. The Greeks were into the whole man on man thing, right? I should look that up. Why am I writing this down? Also, does finger up the ass count as a separate action or is it part of this one? This is why Gibbs always makes me write my reports seventy-nine times, this shit is hard.

"What?" says Tony, as Tim laughs at him. "What?"

Tim shakes his head. "Nothing. I don't think there'll ever be more than one New York Times bestseller in this relationship, but I won't make you rewrite this one, Tony, I promise." He pats Tony's knee. "Burn it, maybe," he mutters under his breath, but Tony's already talking again and doesn't notice.

Action the sixth: Possibly the finger thing? Definitely the second one. Wow, yeah. Hi, second finger! Make yourself at home, I'm all about you. Except, you know, for when I'm all about the cock. This bit? This covers the recovery thing because oh! Tony junior was on the rise again.

Action the seventh: Prevention, mi amigos. Prevention is nine-tenths the law. Or something. Whatever. There was the whole bagging up thing and then, howdy doody, I was open for business.

Action the eighth: My world? Rocked. Tim's world. Rolled. Or. Yeah. Okay. Or. You know how when you have that sort of, I don't know, light? You know, the blinding flash that means you got it? That the case was going nowhere but deader than the poor fucker that was already dead, but you just split it wide open and some bastard is going to pay? It was like that. Only better and longer and no one died except for the Little Death which, hello, French pretentiousness. And the best thing? You know you're going to get to have the same thing again and again because there's this guy, see? Not just a guy,
the guy.

Tony stops reading, but to be fair, that's probably because Tim's yanked the pad off of him and flung it across the room, launching himself at Tony and tipping them both over onto the bed, feet kicking at pillows. Tim kisses Tony hard, stopping only when he realizes Tony's trying to talk and kiss at the same time.

'"What?" What could be more important than me kissing you forever, is what Tim wants to know. And this time he's only exaggerating by the smallest of small amounts.

"There are three more chapters," complains Tony. "My hard work. All for nothing."

"Cliff notes," says Tim. "You've got five seconds."



"Mission accomplished. We did good. They all lived happily ever after. The end."

"Solid," says Tim. "Send it upstairs."

"Fuck you."

"Already did. Now stop interrupting." Tony's hands wind around Tim's back as they kiss again, warm and solid against his skin. Tim curses the need for sleep and a six-day week because he'd like to see if objective recovery could be reduplicated under different circumstances, but then, he'd hate to deny Tony a chance to improve his report writing skills. He'll rescue the legal pad tomorrow.

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