Oh, The Places You'll Go


Notes: A piece of complete crack written for llasah's request of fairy tales at brynnmck's game of Happy Tag. I may have more fun with fairy tales than is actually legal.

Once upon a time there were...

"I don't give a fucking fuck about a rescue!" yelled Kowalski. "You are not climbing up my hair."

Oh for goodness s-. There was a Chicago cop called Ray, there was some kind of curse and he ended up locked in a tower guarded by a Welsh witch.

"Tell him he's not climbing up my hair."

I will not. Look, be quiet, you're spoiling the story. One day a princely detective, also known by curious coincidence as Ray, stopped by the tower, entranced by Ray's ethereal voice.

"His what now? You're kidding, right? Have you heard the goddamn ruckus he sets up when he's trying to brush the tangles out of that stupid hair? You'd think he'd know better than to backcomb, but noooooooo, not Kowalski. Not the Ray of the golden hair and the kick in the ass."

Are you going to stop interrupting? Can I tell this story or not?

"Sure, whatever."

"He's not climbing up my hair."


"Okay, okay!"

The detective walked all around the tower but couldn't find a way in. He leaned against the wall and listened to Ray's beautiful singing caterwauling. What a good pair of lungs the imprisoned Ray had on him. Ray Vecchio was quite entranced.

"Entranced, my hairy ass. Deafened, more like."

"Don't you give me that; you've been back here every day for weeks. You can't get enough of me, you filthy bastard."

"You gonna let him talk to me like that?"

Well, he does have a point. Anyway, on one occasion the prince/detective was taking a nature break in the nearby bushes when he saw Welsh the witch arrive and spotted the unorthodox manner of entry. He grinned and when the coast was clear demanded that Raypunzel let down his hair. Kowalski, having never learned Stranger Danger did so and Vecchio climbed up his hair in a flash.

"I'm hair sore. Does nobody care that I'm hair sore? All that tugging and pulling and for what?"

"You really want me to answer that, Kowalski?"

"I'm hair sore!"

They fell in love.

"We did not. We had rough and manly sex in the course of which Vecchio got rugburn and I got a poorly-executed, but enthusiastic, blowjob. Good times."

*sigh* And plotted their escape. The detective snuck back out the way he'd come in and returned each night, bringing silk for Raypunzel to weave into a ladder. But then, in a moment of idle thought, Ray asked Welsh the witch why it was easier to pull up Vecchio than the chunkier witch and all was lost.

"Fucking asshole, Kowalski. You telling me you did undercover and you couldn't even keep me a secret. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200."

"If you'd just brought me the fireman's ladder like I asked. What the hell do I know about weaving silk? What do I look like to you? Some kind of silk weaver?"

"Ooooh, snappy."

"Now look y-"

SoWelshthewitchcutoffRaypunzel'shairandcasthimintothewilderness. *deep breath* Done now? Good. Later that night when Vecchio returned with silk (and silky lube) Welsh the witch used Raypunzel's chopped and matted locks to haul him up. There was a brief moment of confusion when Vecchio tried to eat Welsh the witch's face (in his defense it was very dark) but then the witch told Ray what had happened to his beloved and he jumped out of the tower in despair.

"Um. No. I slipped on the stupid hair when I realized what I was kissing and I fell out. You think I got a death wish? There were thorns."

On which you blinded yourself, I know. Tragic. Then there was wandering in the wilderness for an age, during which time Raypunzel found himself a nice cottage, grew his hair back and had twin assbabies. Hey, don't look at me, that's the story.

"You have to tell them everything? Assbabies are a painful and private matter. Like everything that comes out of that hole."

"Especially on that no-fiber diet you love so much. I keep telling you — eat some greens. You're setting a bad example to the kids."

"Yeah? At least I don't pick my nose and then wipe it on my socks."

"I do not do that."

"Do too."

SHUT UP! After years of wandering, Vecchio heard the delightful strains of Raypunzel's voice, yelling at the kids to get home for supper now or he'd take the pineapple off their pizza and he stumbled towards it, calling. Kowalski heard his lover and they came together (no, not that kind, that was later) in a tearful embrace.

"I do not cry."

Raypunzel's tears restored Vecchio's sight.

"So maybe I cry. For healing purposes. Whatever."

And they all lived happily ever after, holidaying in the tower where they'd first met.

"He's not climbing up my hair. We bring a fucking ladder and he uses it for firewood. He likes me in distress, that's what it is. Bet it makes me taste good."


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